The Ghost of Christmas Past

I think most people's favorite Christmases are when they are small; I'm not any different when it comes to this. The earliest Christmas I remember, we lived in Chicago- I was probably about five- my sister Celia had twin beds in her room, and I was allowed to sleep in there; this was an occasion in itself. It's just a little snippet; but I remember being curled up in my twin canopy bed with the white knubbly bedspread; the window was right next to me; and I couldn't go to sleep because I was so excited and happy. Then I saw these big thick snowflakes start to fall- not that a white Christmas is unusual in Chicago; but it started dumping down and it was most exciting- I got up and started doing a little dance on my bed.
The Wait on the Top of the Staircase was the most exciting of all; this continued even until we were teenagers. My two sisters and I would huddle on the top step and Dad would go down and check that everything was set up properly- they usually had a few bigger presents that weren't wrapped but were strategically placed. Then he would boom out that we could come down, and we would all barrel down the stairs with our dog Frisky, for the day Dreams Come True.
I wonder why everything always seemed happier on Christmas; it certainly wasn't just about getting presents, although those were great. We didn't fight, everything seemed magical, somehow- as if all possibilities were present. My very favorite Christmas came when I was eight and my Mom announced she was pregnant; I was the youngest, and at my age had imagined I would always stay that way; I couldn't think of anything I wanted more than to be a big sister. You don't think of children that age as feeling things quite so strongly; but I was as excited as when I found out I was pregnant with my own children. I remember sitting on the staircase later; kind of in a daze, just thinking, it isn't possible to be this happy, it can't be real.
My little brother-or-sister that wasn't is one of the people I miss this Christmas, if you can miss someone you never knew. I guess it's more about missing an idea. I would like to have another younger person in the family I could love-everything's too different now.
The older I got, Christmas stayed just as happy; mainly because of Mom and Dad. We kept the same traditions; even when I was grownup and married; Dad read the Christmas Story of Christmas Eve, and we could each pick out one present. It gradually developed into a day of mayhem as more grandchildren were added; but this just added to the general fun; now instead of just the five of us, I had a husband and (later) children, nieces and a nephew, there were always mountains of presents; and watching everyone open theirs was great fun.
I don't remember what was our last Big Christmas with everyone there, and I'm glad; it's too bittersweet. The Christmas before my parents died I was back in Chattanooga, happy to be with my family for a couple weeks; but my heart was still in Missouri, and it was breaking. I knew this was the last Christmas they'd both be alive and I wasn't there; but I so wanted to be with my husband and children; that whole nine months was about being torn in two, and that day was the best example of it.
The Christmas After, of course, was the hardest Christmas ever; if I hadn't had my kids, I'd have skipped it; but I knew they were trying so hard to make it a good day for me and I couldn't let them down by sitting around bawling all day. Sometimes I think (well, I know) it's harder to sit and pretend to be happy than to just let yourself cry it out. I guess next year's was better, but not much; last year's was better, but there's never been any comparison with Before.
Now we're coming up on what will be the last Christmas the four of us live here together; since my two kids both graduate next spring and plan on moving out. It seems like Christmas is getting smaller, or harder, or both; sappy Christmas songs make me sad; and I start wishing it were all over again.
This is NOT the kind of Christmas person I want to be; I know Christmas is about Christ and what He did for me. When I think of all my blessings, I am overwhelmed. There's that part of me, though, that always wants to turn around and look back- to catch a glimpse of Christmas Past; like a melting snowflake in your hand.
I hope we have big, happy Christmases in the future; Christmases where the kids and grandkids come and we keep the old traditions; Christmases where I don't think about my dad's merry chuckling or my mom's happy smile more than I do anything else. Faith, hope, and love...but the greatest of these is love.
I hate melancholy posts; but I do believe in the therapeutic power of ventilating; what else is a blog for? I don't think anyone else is really going to read it! If so, I guess it'll be okay if they know my guilty secrets, or think I'm a self-pitying idiot, I rather think that myself sometimes.
My wish for this Christmas is I can help someone who is hurting to have a better one. Given the job I have, it's entirely possible; if I can quit being selfish and start focusing more on others. My parents always said that was the secret to happiness anyway; and my Dad, who was the happiest person I ever knew, was also the most unselfish; so they must have been on to something. (actually, they just followed the teachings of Jesus, but we all know that's a lot more difficult than it sounds!)
Since this is a sappy, stupid post, I'll close with the sappy song that always gets me most at Christmas- the Carpenter's "Merry Christmas Darling" I'll dedicate this to the two people that always gave me the happiest Christmases ever; the two I'll miss for the rest of my life. No need to say who they are. Changed the verbs a little; since it's past tense now.

Merry Christmas, darling
We're apart, it's true
But I can dream, and in my dreams
I'm Christmasing with you
Holidays are joyful
There's always something new
But everyday was a holiday
When I was near to you

The lights on my tree
I wish you could see
I wish it every day
Logs on the fire, fill me with desire
To see you and to say.........

That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year too
I've just one wish on this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
I wish I were with you.