The scariest night ever

Last night my son had a terrible car wreck. Of course this is mom's worst fears but it still does not seem real. I came home from work and it was about 8 pm. Nick wasn't there, which wasn't unusual because he is sixteen and likes to hang out at his friends or at my sister's, where he babysits and does odd jobs and stuff to earn money (plus their are girls on that street he is friends with) When I saw his truck wasn't there I had this icy chill of fear and premonition. It is a definite thing let me tell you. I asked Steve (my husband) where he was and he said he thought he was on the way home from Celia's, and he would call him. So he called him and probably at this exact moment he was having this wreck! He didn't answer and I went to take out my contacts and put on my glasses (which was fortuitious since I wasn't going to sleep for the next twenty four hours) and this lady came banging on the door when I was in the bathroom. She told Steve Nick had been in a wreck down the street. Steve tried to not worry me so he said, it was a fenderbender and he is okay, just shaken up. I was still really worried thinking, my baby is scared! He might really be hurt or something! So we got in the car and started driving out there. I was just expecting to see him pulled off to the side of the road, standing outside is car kicking the broken fender or something. The closer we got, I saw all these cars backed up everywhere and I started to feel absolutely terrified. Then I saw two ambulances, a full length fire truck, several police cars, and people EVERYWHERE. It was like a movie set. I started hollering at Steve to go around, go around these people, and he did and we pulled up as close as we could and before the car stopped I was jumping out the door. Then I sw the most horrifying site of all, Nick's truck. This is a huge Ford F 150 truck and it was cracked almost in two, like in a V shape. The steering wheel was touching the back of the seat. I kept frantically looking around and not seeing my son, and picturing him lying on the road in a body bag or something. All these people were coming up to me and their faces were like blurs, and police officers trying to slow me down, and I kept screaming, Where is my son? Where is my son? It was all surreal. I saw them loading a stretcher in the ambulance and just the bottom of Nick's feet- I saw his sneakers. I tore over there and a paramedic stopped me before I could get in the ambulance and said they were going to Life Flight him to Erlanger. This was the single most frightening moment of my whole life. I understand now why people faint. All my breath left me and I know my heart stopped for like twenty seconds. Then I said, why, why life force? I used to work the trauma unit at Erlanger and we always got the patients from life force. They were the really bad, severe internal in juries or massive head injuries, intubated (with the tube down your throat to put you on a ventilator) kind of patients. I said, I'm an ICU nurse please tell me the straight up story. The guy said, it's the mechanism of injury. This means that even if you have a patient that may not externally look bad, because of how horrific the collision was, you know they sustained a huge impact and there is a high probability of internal injuries. These patients can be very scary, because unlike someone with injuries you can see and you know what you're dealing with, they're the ones that are talking to you and look good but underneath they have a torn pulmonary artery (this is what happened to Princess Diana, for instance, who was alert and talking initially at the scene) and then they suddenly crap out really fast. I tried to pull myself together because I knew they wouldn't let a hysterical mom on the ambulance. I told the man I just wanted to see my son, and Nick was really scared I could hear his voice asking kind of repetitive questions. The paramedics were worried about that and also they said his pupils were dilated. They let me climb up in the truck, and there was Nick on the stretcher with the C-collar and they were starting large bore IVs in each arm like you do with trauma patients. The bottom half of his face was covered with dried blood (turns out hehad head lacerations, which bleed a lot) therest of him was covered by a blanket, but I looked at his chest quickly to make sure he didn't have some massive chest wound. He was talking and alert but just really stunned and scared. Teenage boys are very independent but not when they are hurt and scared! He kept saying Mom, Mom stay here. Mom stay here with me. So I held his hand and kissed his forehead and kept talking to him and telling him how the paramedics were helping him, they knew what they were doing, he was going to be okay, etc. I think I was reassuring myself as much as him. They let me stay in the truck awhile which was greatly appreciated and then the helicopter arrived. I knew the helicopter paramedic from when I worked at the Trauma unit, and that was a huge relief. He is an older man who has worked trauma twenty years and knows everything, and is also this very kindhearted person. He promised me he would take care of Nick and I knew that was true. Then Nick started crying and saying Mom, please come with me, please come with me. It was so horrible because of course I couldn't come. And you have these terrible thoughts like, what if I never see him again. What if he craps out in the air and they can't save him. They asked me to leave the ambulance so I only had time to give him a really quick kiss and stumble out. Steve was standing out there and put his arm around me and we watched them load him up into the helicopter. Watching the helicopter fly off with our precious one and only son, we were both in tears. We ran to the car and thus began the Interminable Drive that would Never End to Erlanger. It probably took us twenty five minutes, but it seemed like years and years! I remember my mouth was so dry I thought I was going to choke, and my glasses were filthy (from dried tears I guess) and I couldn't see well and I just kept telling Steve to drive faster. Of course when we finally got to the ER, I busted in the door and ran up only to be told I had wait because they were assessing him(I knew this would happen because that's just how it goes) and the nurse would come talk to me. Steve was pacing around and I was standing up at the information station shaking. My sister came with my daughter and her two neices and then I really started crying and sat down with my daughter and we were both crying and talking about how scared we were. Some otherpeople came and I couldn't even really process what was going on or who was there. The ER was full of people whow ere all looking at interest at the Hysterical Mom and the unfolding drama, but they just seemed like extras on the set or something and not like real people at all.
my husband is home so I will finish this blog later.

The meaning of blog

I guess a blog is kind of an online diary. Since I don't think anyone will ever read it I guess I can write what I want it. Maybe it will be kind of a cathartic thing.
Today I am very very scared because I have to go to the dentist. In fact I have to leave in twenty minutes. I keep looking at the dreaded time in the corner of my computer. Now, granted I have a very nice dentist. He is a red headed boy who looks about twelve years old. He is very sweet and competent though and hasn't hurt me yet. He likes my daughter and who knows? maybe he'll be my son-in-law. That would be kind of ironic because I have always hated dentists. I do like Dr. Frank though but I HATE the drill!!!! I have to have a cavity filled and it may be a crown- this is scary on the money front as well!!! Sitting in a dentist's chair must be the most vulnerable position a person can be in. It is worse to me than surgery, a gyny appt, childbirth, etc. But it's one of those things that Has to Be Done. This is where I can hear my mother's voice saying, well just go get it over with. And that is what I will do.
I wish the Cubs would stop losing, because baseball hasn't been any fun this season. Eight games in a row!! What is up?? It is getting depressing!!
My kittens are going beserk racing around the room. They are calico sisters. Orange, white and black. Oooh they are cute. They are aggravating the big cats (Charlie and Lucy) who have taken to higher ground (couches and tables they can't get too) The golden retriever, Benny, has retreated to his couch (my daddy's old couch) where he is curled up giving them (and me, because I brought them here) sullen looks. He is mad because I'm going somewhere, and it's not to take him to the track (his favorite thing in the whole world) He's mad because I brought these kittens in the house, and he's mad because there's nothing exciting in the food dish. When I get home from the dentist he will be happy though because he is always happy to see me.
Last night I went to my sister Celia's house and we had pizza and watched a movie about Avian Bird Flu. I played chess with my neice Faith and she is pretty good. We had a good time and decided we should do this every Tuesday. Next Tuesday they will come to our house and we will buy the pizza. I like that because I don't like to cook. Everyone likes pizza. I am not a big pizza fan for the taste, but I am a big pizza fan because I don't have to cook it. Steve (my husband) likes to grill. He will grill for hours. He is a butcher so he has all kinds of delicious marinated meat and seafood to grill for us, which is very wonderful. He is a happy husband because he has a new motorcycle, thanks to his brother. Yesterday we were going to go riding together, but it started raining. Boo hoo. Now he has to work the next five days so we won't have another chance anytime soon. He works long days (11 or 12 hours) and he rides his motorcycle to Hixson and back, so when he comes home he is not ready to go out for a ride but to rest. If I asked him he would take me, but I know he is tired. I work 12 hour shifts too (in the ICU as a nurse) so I wouldn't ever ask anyone to do anything after a 12 hour shift. All I want to do after a 12 hour shift is talk too my family for a little while and then go sit in bed and read and listen to the QUIET!!! There is nowhere as noisy as an ICU during the day shift. Telephones, Ivs beeping, ventilator alarms shrieking, people talking, family members crying, doors shutting, monitors alarming every time the patient moves- noise is the most stressful thing to me about being an ICU nurse. I do not think emergencies are stressful because that is what makes the job interesting. Old people that are put on ventilators and tortured for weeks before being allowed to die naturally, that is very stressful. I always look at them and it gives me comfort to think, we never did that to my mom and dad. Even though it was so hard to let go of them, we never even considered anything like that. But people don't know, they don't know what it entails when they say "Do everything" for their 89 year old grandparent with one lung (we just had such a person on a vent for five days. But the son became brave, and said to take him off and not to put him back on. So we took him off and everyone came in to say goodbye, and then he got better. That's the way it goes! We were all glad)
That's enough for now I have to eat something and settle my stomach before I Face the Dentist. I like blogging. This has definitely made me feel better as far as the anxiety level.